Mrs M: The art of modern manners
Passionate about quintessential English customs, our incognito columnist reminds us to do the best things in lite in the most elegant fashion, always with a twinkle in her eye. This time, Mrs M ponders the etiquette for navigating life today.
On occasion I feel that good manners - rather like landline telephones and well-cut tweed - are in danger of becoming extinct. I blame the internet. In an age when one can summon supper, a library of books, and even a potential husband with a mere swipe of a screen, we have, I fear, lost the art of simple grace.
Please and thank you are seemingly slipping from the English language at alarming speed. Mr M wondered only the other day whether we are collectively spiralling into social barbarism, wearing torn jeans and ghastly tracksuits as we go. I was a little surprised he knew what ‘trackies’ were, but the modern world has a way of creeping into the most unlikely corners.
Good manners are not merely an outdated relic of a bygone era. Rather, they are the social lubricant that keeps the wheels of civilisation from grinding to a shuddering halt. Times may have changed - one no longer needs to know the precise angle at which to incline one’s head when curtseying - but grace, charm and consideration are still virtues we should hold dear. Modern etiquette is not about dusting off old traditions, but about navigating life without making others wish they had stayed at home.
Once upon a time, correspondence was conducted on crisp stationery, each word carefully chosen and elegantly written. Today we find ourselves at the mercy of instant messaging, email and social media. While technology has its merits, one should not let standards slip. I still believe a text message is no substitute for a handwritten thank you note. If someone has extended an invitation, sent a gift, or extended a kindness, do take the time to express genuine gratitude properly.
Equally importantly, one must never - under any circumstances - engage in digital squabbles. A lady does not ‘air dirty laundry’ online. Save such matters for private discussions over a restorative pot of tea.
‘Anti-social’ media, as Mr M calls it, has a lot to answer for. Far too many people use it to share unwanted details of an unfortunate problem, be it medical or romantic. I rather feel we should say nothing on a public forum that we would not be happy to see on the front page of The Times.
Share sparingly - a problem shared with the ether can become one not halved but doubled. Be witty but not wounding, and, for heaven’s sake, never type ‘LOL’. Poor Mr M did this only once, believing it to mean ‘lots of love’. He replied using it in the village group chat when we had just been informed the vicar had taken a nasty tumble from his bicycle. It has taken him a full two years to live down.
The children have taken to sending us ‘voice notes’. It is most disconcerting. After all, who wishes to be ambushed by a four-minute monologue when a brief text would suffice. A message should be like a canapé - delightful, brief and never tricky to navigate.
One would hope that the fundamentals of dining etiquette have not been entirely lost, and yet one still encounters individuals who seem to believe that cutlery is optional or that a mobile telephone belongs at the dinner table. We may no longer be in the age of formal dining, but there is no excuse to eat like a famished Labrador.
Silverware should be used gracefully, not as if one is engaging in carpentry. Phones, unless one is waiting for life-or-death news, should remain out of sight. A true lady - or gentleman - understands that dinners are an occasion for convivial conversation and the enjoyment of fine food, not for scrolling endlessly through one’s device.
Furthermore, the splitting of the bill (while acceptable among close friends) must be handled with tact. If one has extended an invitation, one must be prepared to pay. That being said, a gracious guest will always offer. As for tipping, err on the side of generosity - nothing reveals a person’s character more swiftly than their treatment of those in service.
Conversation should be like tennis. It should go back and forth. Far too many people nowadays see it more akin to a hostage situation, monopolising any conversation with a series of endless monologues.
We are all capable of being gripped by a passionate interest, so if you find yourself droning on about your new wellness regime, for example, do stop and ask yourself, would I find this thrilling if it were someone else’s story’? If the answer is no, change the subject, preferably by asking something of another guest. One must cultivate, you see, the ability to listen as much as one speaks. To ask questions with genuine interest, and to avoid the modern blight of interrupting.
There are, of course, certain topics best avoided unless amongst trusted company. One’s political views, financial affairs, and medical history are rarely suitable subjects for a cocktail party. Equally, for one’s sanity, it is a good idea to learn the art of exiting a conversation.
‘I mustn’t keep you’ is a charming phrase that allows one to slip away while appearing considerate. If cornered by a bore, an empty glass can be a godsend as it is natural one would want to refresh one’s drink.
At the heart of all good manners, lies a simple principle: consideration for others. Whether in personal interactions or online engagements, at home or in public, the primary aim should be to ensure those around us feel comfortable, valued and at ease.
Modern manners may not require a strict adherence to the etiquette of yesteryear, but elegance, poise and kindness never go out of style. And that really is the essence of gracious living.
Well mannered: Ensure perfect manners with this impeccable trio
Mrs M shares her favourite finds to help perfect the art of modern manners - from timeless etiquette advice to thoughtful ways to express gratitude.
Confidence booster
I absolutely love the A to Z of Modern Manners from Debrett’s. It is the perfect companion for modern life. There is no social issue that is not covered in its pages, and l often turn to it when I am feeling a little lost as to how to deal with a delicate situation. It provides a marvellous insight into how we live now, and covers a multitude of manners dilemmas, from dress codes, invitations and table manners to more contemporary concerns such as social media and group chat etiquette.
All in all, it is a marvellous book and the world would be a better place if we all owned a copy.
Put it in a letter
A handwritten thank-you note is a joy to receive. It is much more personal and thoughtful than a hastily dashed-off text or email. I firmly believe the card itself should be a thing of beauty. Whether you choose personalised cards or simply have a stock of stylishly designed ones tucked away in a desk drawer, you will bring joy into the life of the person you are sending it to.
I love the Thank You Notelets from Smythson. They are crafted from beautiful paper in three gorgeous colours (including my favourite, pink). They are made in England and come in a box of 10, each with a pretty, tissue-lined matching envelope. A pack costs £30.
Show of gratitude
Occasionally a thank-you note is not enough. When someone has gone above and beyond to do something hugely generous, it is lovely to be able to respond in kind. I am a huge fan of hampers for all occasions. There is something so joyous about receiving a huge basket of treats.
The Thank You Hamper from Daylesford is a marvellous way to show gratitude. The stylish white wicker basket is a luxury in itself, packed with delicious treats which are sure to make the recipient’s day, and will provide useful storage once its contents have been consumed.